what we must
by clarity queen
Summary: The gang deal with loss and acceptance.


This story is really AU...

It's Angel season 6. Cordy has been sent back to the gang...

Cordy stared on in horror, the small bottle falling from her hand and clancking dully on the floor. Angel came running in a minute later panic stricken at the sudden noise of her screams from the bedroom.

"What's going-", she heard him say before he yelled out in shock. He looked at the bed and ran over. He began feeling pulses and slapping faces. He tried shouting at and shaking the still corpse. He fell to his knees and looked over at Cordelia standing in the doorway who had both her hands over her mouth.

"Quick do c.p.r.!", he almost begged her. He looked so helpless but Cordy couldn't move from her space. "Angel, he's dead.", she whispered. It was harsh and cruel but it was true. Spike lay peacefully on his bed, no marks or scars or any sign of a struggle. He just lay as if in deep slumber. She'd found him like this. She had entered his room like they'd agreed. She'd brought the drugs like they'd agreed. He had said he wanted to go in his sleep.

"No! He'll be fine just- try Cordy... just try." , he shouted but he knew it was no use. Spike had been dead hours at least. He couldn't say it though. At least if he tried he could feel...something. Why now? He knew when Spike had become human he would eventually go but never this soon.

A painful voice whispered in his head. _It's not getting better. _But he was getting better! He had been fine! He looked up again at Cordelia who was still in shock. He stood up and walked over to her. He embraced her tightly, afraid to let go.

Cordelia pulled away "I should call an ambulance?" Angel didn't know what to say. He knew it was final when she had offered this. He knew he should wake the others. They should know, now. He left the room with no more than a nod to Cordy who walked towards the phone and picked it up with shaking hands.

Within ten minutes everyone was downstairs in Angel's office. Lorne who had spent the night was sitting in silence watching as the ambulance wheeled the body to the doors. Cordelia had gone with him while Angel had to sit and wait with the others for her return. What else could they do?

Gunn sat on the desk with his head bowed in sorrow. When Angel had told him he had jumped out of bed and ran straight out of his room. He made it to the room within seconds to find Cordy sitting on the bedside talking to the body. "Why?", she was asking. "I was on my way."

Illyria stood in the middle of the room, she hadn't moved or spoken in a half hour since she'd come downstairs. She was hurting and had no outlet, gods were not made to suffer like this. She had lost her best friend, it was like losing her power all over again.

Angel replayed the picture over and over again. He saw Spike lying still on his bed, he'd probably fallen asleep without realising again. He was fully dressed and had been lying on the bed. Why had Cordy found him? Why was she there? He was too numb to answer these questions.

Connor arrived within a few minutes carrying his bag and the weight of grief on his face. In the past few weeks Connor had become good friends with Spike, his nephew. He had trusted him with secrets and problems. They had been to parties and Spike had even depended on him at one point. He had needed a friend and Connor had been honoured in him being chosen.

Angel sat Connor down and recounted yet again, the morning's events. Everyone listened, though they knew the story in full. The air was damp with suppressed tears. _Could I have have helped?_, thought Angel. He couldn't bare the atmosphere any longer and left the room to call Cordy.

She was at the hospital. Spike had gone in his sleep, he had not suffered. _No more suffrering,_ he thought. Exactly the way it should happen. Cordy sounded almost terrified on the phone and said she'd be home in an hour. Angel hung up and waited in the doorway. He could feel his team watching him in the doorway. He didn't turn around, he couldn't look at them. So far he'd been almost calm. He couldn't lose that, it was all that kept him from yelling. He stood in the doorway for the longest hour of his unlife. It seemed as though the same picture was glued to the back of his eyelids because everytime he shut them he could see him.

Cordelia returned to the hotel after an hour or two. She had taken her time walking home. She had walked the longest way she could think of, trying to think. The realisation was deepening with every moment. What would happen now? Would she be sent back? Too many thoughts crowded her and then oh, Angel's face when he saw him lying there! Cordelia let out a small, dry sob. Could she have done it? Would she ever be able to look in the mirror again? Would she ever be able to live with it?

She walked in through the main entrance to find Angel standing in the doorway. He had a hard look on his face as he raced towards her. She didn't know what to say? Didn't he hate him? Shouldn't he be happy? No. He was devastated. He and Spike had got on each others nerves, but they were like family. _Oh no, _she thought miserably _I would have killed his family! _

Angel looked at her and she realised he was looking for some sort of reassurance. Had he really gone in peace? "Angel, I- ", she began but stopped short, lost for words. Angel pulled her close. "It's ok.", he whispered gently. She could tell he didn't even believe himself. How was it ok? He guided her into the office and sat her down. She looked at them all. Connor was staring at her with wide eyes, Gunn sat with his bowed still. She looked at Illyria who was looking at the collage of pictures on the wall. Last of all she looked over at Lorne who looked back at her glaring. Did he know? She didn't think she could face it. She bowed her head and wished she had never returned at all.

"Look guys, I'm sure he's...", Angel tried desperately to stop himself from saying something stupid like "coming back" or "out doing something stupid". He stopped and dropped his head. Connor spoke up hopefully "What did the doctors say Cordy?". She told them the truth, "They um...said that he went in his sleep, that it was probably very peaceful. "

Illyria spoke up for the first time all day. Her voice was harsh and bitter. "When is death ever peaceful let alone fair?", she hissed. She was right this wasn't fair. Angel coughed awkwardly and replied "It was probably his time to go Illyria, he lived a long life." Now it was Gunn's turn to join in "No he didn't Angel, homeboy never exactly lived did he? Man, remember the first time he went into the sun again? You told me right?", he laughed now at the story he'd been told "You said Illyria had to carry him outside?" Angel smiled a little now. Illyria lifted a finger. "He bit me!", she said with a strange hint of affection. Angel laughed now "Yeah, remember when he drank that glass of blood and had to have his stomach pumped?". They laughed some more about him. Connor joined in with a smile of respect "This one time we got drunk on campus and I woke up in a frat house right?" he began. Angel didn't even care to tell him off, he was laughing too hard. "Well I found Spike the teachers lounge with the Dean! He told her he was a transfer student from China and she made out with him!". Gunn nearly broke a rib laughing.

Cordy couldn't believe it. Had they laughed after she'd died too? "Guys, is this really right?", she asked. They all looked at her confused and then bowed their heads guiltely. "She's right, we shouldn't be laughing. He did just d-", he couldn't finish his sentence so he started a new one. "A lot of our friends have died. A lot of our loved ones have been lost. It's not fair, it never is. Spike was important to us all and it's important we remember all the great things about him. The way he fought. The way he loved."

"The way he always fell asleep during the weather", Gunn added fondly.

"The way he used to read Shakespear on Sunday mornings.", smiled Connor.

"The way he saw things different from anyone.", mused Illyria.

"They way he smiled if you mentioned snow,", sighed Lorne.

Angel looked around at his friends praying he wouldn't lose them as easily or as soon. "We have to remember him the way he would have wanted it."

Cordy felt like crying, she felt sick. She had to tell them! She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't. Lorne looked at her and smiled kindly. "Obviously it wasn't meant to be, sweetie." Cordelia Chase had been a very self obsessed girl in her youth and in that moment when the tears spilled from her eyes she realised how much she had grown up since moving to L.A. She cried and ran to Lorne. She hugged him close and he held her tightly.

After a moment or two she turned and faced her bewildered awedience. She breathed deeply and began her long needed speech. "I'm so sorry. It's all my fault!", she sniffled guiltly. Everybody in the room looked shocked, alarmed and hurt. "I was sent here to stay... but only if I did as I was told." Angel bowed his head. Connor shook his head disbelievingly. "No- you didn't?"

Cordy couldn't keep her head up. She felt shame like she had never felt. No one would look at her the same now or ever again. "I was told Spike was to be killed. Somehow he knew, he knew I didn't want to but he said I had to." They looked at her now, hurt in their eyes.

Lorne put a hand on her shoulder, "I only just realised before-." He bowed his head in sorrow.

Angel looked at her forcefully "So you guys planned his death or what?"

Cordy wiped her eyes with thw back of a hand. "I went to his room this morning to...do it but when I got there he was already gone!", she cried. "I didn't want to but...", she trailed off looking down and suddenly she felt another hand on her shoulder.

"...but you had to?", came a kind voice. She looked up in shock and saw spike standing beside her. He had a smile on his face as he looked around at the frozen figures of Angel, Gunn, Connor, Lorne and Illyria.

"How...why are you here?", she asked quietly, "Are you here to take me back?" Spike scoffed "Nice to see you missed me!", he laughed "No, I'm not here for that. They said the fact that you would do as told was good enough. You can stay." She felt the sinking feeling in her stomach settle. "Spike I'm sor-", she began but he waved a hand to stop her. "I told you to do it, pet.", he said gently and gave her a serious look. "We can't tell them.", he nodded in the direction of the frozen friends.

Cordy wiped her face once more and smiled "That an order?", she asked. Spike smiled back at her, "More like a request." She nodded happily and then felt a strange sensation in her head. A light, floaty feeling she knew all too well.

Angel was the first to speak when everything was mobile again. "I am so beat!", he said as he yawned loudly. Cordy looked at all the tired faces and then to Spike. "You're just getting way too old gramps.", he smirked. Angel frowned at him "Don't come crying to me when you get your first wrinkle!", he retorted. Connor yawned just as Angel had, "I'm so not partying with you guys anymore!", he laughed wearily. He turned and left the room with rushed goodbyes after checking the time.

"Wanna ride?", asked Angel trying to hide his concern. Connor merely smiled "No need! Spike you comin' with?", he asked. Spike looked at Cordy and then Angel. "Yeah, I think I will this time round.", he said. Cordy realised the day had rewinded back to the night before. Spike followed Connor out the door with a smile to Cordy. Angel sighed, "One of these days I'm gonna tail those two and see what they get up to."

Cordy smiled and moved forwards to hug Angel. He walked upstairs with her after tired goodnights. "It's nothing, I'm sure they're just...hangin' out." Angel snorted, "Yeah I'm sure you're right." Cordy smiled to herself, she wasn't supposed to tell after all.

The End.


End file.
